I was meant to do NaPoWriMo -- 30 days, 30 poems.... but my first one lead me down a different path... and now I'm a bit bored of the project, so, 18 days is pretty good!
(This is where I parked the whole story... I will add in the images... or not because I will forget...
The story… (this is a reflection of yesterday years; I’m in a good place now - mostly!)…
There’s can be disdain for those who proclaim, “I’m a little adhd or autistic” all cute & chirpy like it’s a trend; like it’s cool… But what if it’s blissful ignorance? What if it’s denial?… What if you’ve just leaned into quirky & weird? But what if you made it cute? What if you partied, drank & took drugs — not only as a way not to feel anything real — but so that others had a reason to think that you’re “oh, my gosh, you’re like, so fu-u-un! I looove you!”? And you have no confidence or love for yourself or have never even had these things modelled for you in life? And then… what if you make terrible & dangerous life decisions because it’s easier than sorting the shite out that you didn’t even know needed sorting out? And what if this version of you is accepted because you’re shiny & sparkly & fun… and when you’re shiny & sparkly & fun… it makes sense because everyone is in a state of sparkle, shine & fun… all night long!? What if in that moment, in that state of no mind, they were your ride or dies? Your gang? They became Your family. But in order not to die or majorly ruin your life, like many you know…you had to choose to stay away? Choose life. What if somehow you miraculously make it through all of that and you somehow motivate yourself to do better? And you found a better person to be better with? And have cats with & to generally mosey along with? And what if, in your job as a teacher, you fill out ADHD assessment forms for 5 year olds & you think “wow - that is so me”? But you don’t really know because it’s also not you all the time… because you developed strategies and you created a very convincing mask? But what if, by all accounts, you are a very gifted kindergarten & special education teacher, because the aforementioned quirkiness made it so… a chameleon amongst 5 year olds! Hmmm 🤔?! And then what if you see a video one day on Facebook (or several hours worth of videos because you are easily led down rabbit holes…) and you kinda think that maybe there are others who are like you? And maybe there is an explanation for the way you’ve always felt like you were a little different? An odd duck? And you realize that maybe you’re not just a little adhd - but in actuality you are so many of the things in all the memes & reels, but not quite all of the things? And you’re still a lot confused? And you find a friend and another friend who is kinda thinking the same thing? And you talk but it’s like toothpaste - once you squeeze a bit out you can’t put it back in? And now Facebook has your algorithm set to showing more of the things? And you worry it’s another hyper-fixation? It’s… Wait? What was my point? I think I was going to apologize to anyone I’ve ever offended by being trite about my possible adhd symptoms… “for being just a little ADHD.” PS. I DO get distracted by squirrels & shiny things… but it can get very exhausting… It’s a lot to maintain & I’m okay a lot of the time… Because ART & music & poetry & pals & my Misters 💕 And it turns out, I am really shiny & sparkly & weird & fun AND that shite is real 💗
#gettingreal…#napowrimo #missnikki_style #figuringshitout #mightbeND #thetruthproject #selfdiscovery #ontheroadtoselfacceptance
It’s a great day to create a great day.
(This is where I parked the whole story... I will add in the images... or not because I will forget...
The story… (this is a reflection of yesterday years; I’m in a good place now - mostly!)…
There’s can be disdain for those who proclaim, “I’m a little adhd or autistic” all cute & chirpy like it’s a trend; like it’s cool… But what if it’s blissful ignorance? What if it’s denial?… What if you’ve just leaned into quirky & weird? But what if you made it cute? What if you partied, drank & took drugs — not only as a way not to feel anything real — but so that others had a reason to think that you’re “oh, my gosh, you’re like, so fu-u-un! I looove you!”? And you have no confidence or love for yourself or have never even had these things modelled for you in life? And then… what if you make terrible & dangerous life decisions because it’s easier than sorting the shite out that you didn’t even know needed sorting out? And what if this version of you is accepted because you’re shiny & sparkly & fun… and when you’re shiny & sparkly & fun… it makes sense because everyone is in a state of sparkle, shine & fun… all night long!? What if in that moment, in that state of no mind, they were your ride or dies? Your gang? They became Your family. But in order not to die or majorly ruin your life, like many you know…you had to choose to stay away? Choose life. What if somehow you miraculously make it through all of that and you somehow motivate yourself to do better? And you found a better person to be better with? And have cats with & to generally mosey along with? And what if, in your job as a teacher, you fill out ADHD assessment forms for 5 year olds & you think “wow - that is so me”? But you don’t really know because it’s also not you all the time… because you developed strategies and you created a very convincing mask? But what if, by all accounts, you are a very gifted kindergarten & special education teacher, because the aforementioned quirkiness made it so… a chameleon amongst 5 year olds! Hmmm 🤔?! And then what if you see a video one day on Facebook (or several hours worth of videos because you are easily led down rabbit holes…) and you kinda think that maybe there are others who are like you? And maybe there is an explanation for the way you’ve always felt like you were a little different? An odd duck? And you realize that maybe you’re not just a little adhd - but in actuality you are so many of the things in all the memes & reels, but not quite all of the things? And you’re still a lot confused? And you find a friend and another friend who is kinda thinking the same thing? And you talk but it’s like toothpaste - once you squeeze a bit out you can’t put it back in? And now Facebook has your algorithm set to showing more of the things? And you worry it’s another hyper-fixation? It’s… Wait? What was my point? I think I was going to apologize to anyone I’ve ever offended by being trite about my possible adhd symptoms… “for being just a little ADHD.” PS. I DO get distracted by squirrels & shiny things… but it can get very exhausting… It’s a lot to maintain & I’m okay a lot of the time… Because ART & music & poetry & pals & my Misters 💕 And it turns out, I am really shiny & sparkly & weird & fun AND that shite is real 💗
#gettingreal…#napowrimo #missnikki_style #figuringshitout #mightbeND #thetruthproject #selfdiscovery #ontheroadtoselfacceptance
It’s a great day to create a great day.
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